Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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