dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I wanna passion pit in your ass
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
