I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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