the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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