Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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