as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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