im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
