tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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