Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
