Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
