well I can't set my house on fire every night
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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