Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
