got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
