I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
