his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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