Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
They have beer where we have blood.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
