I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
