Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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