God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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