I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
