Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
