no, he came in my armpit
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
