i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
