God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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