I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
