he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
