Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
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