I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
only if we run a train.
done.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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