This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
