if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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