pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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