one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
