he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
