I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Randomize
