the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
