I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
