My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
