I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
why do cheetos always look like penises
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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