This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
