I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
She bit a glass in half.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
