There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
