Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
