one word: firstdatebathroomanal
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
