when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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