just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
