i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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