Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i just made my gag reflex go away.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
