Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
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