Grow some girl-balls and come out already
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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