Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
