I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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