well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
